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Thankyou to Emma for transcribing this for me

IDIOT BOXING - STUDY TECHNIQUES FOR STUDENTS

Segment featured : Rove, Dave / Actors: Mum, Girl / Overactors: Nick

Rove: Dave Callan is here, and that means it's time for...

Dave: Idiot Boxing. As it has become known.

Rove: Isn't it great, it's the first one, and we haven't actually got the video? We have actually misplaced it.

Dave: We have. But it's no great tragedy.

Rove: (catching video) Oh, you left it over near the desk. It was actually sitting next to the couch, you silly duffer. It's okay, we'll edit that out when it goes to air. Hey! Dave Callan's here, it must be time for Idiot Boxing! (claps) Seamless! How are you Dave?

Dave: You know, I'm tremendous.

Rove: I've heard that.

Dave: And how are you?

Rove: I can't complain at all.

Dave: Congratulations on your first segment and a half.

Rove: Quietly confident, quietly confident. What you got there, Dave?

Dave: You know what I've got? I've got a video for you, because now and again, I'm going to be presenting you with the latest in video fads. And did you know that down at your local library - free video rental. How can you go wrong?

Rove: Can I just ask something? If they're free, well, like at my video shop, the worst you can get is like $3 for a month. If these are free, it scares me, Dave.

Dave: Prepare to enter Hell. Because with titles such as "Sew Terrific Pants" and this one, of course: "Study Techniques...For Students". As opposed to, what, study techniques for people who like to make balloon animals?

Rove: Hey, they need to learn like anyone else!

Dave: It's true.

Rove: Actually, they really do need to learn.

Dave: Well, basically students, they're studying, they're going to have exams soon, year 12, going into mocks. They need a guide. They need a mentor. They need someone who's strong, sexy and svelte. They need Nick. Let's have a look:

(scene: in a school hallway)
Girl: Nick! How'd ya go?
Nick: Oh, no wuckers, mate.

Rove: So he's a ladies man, Dave.

Dave: Definitely a hit with the ladies with phrases like "no wuckers". And pink backpack with 'Bruce Samazan rules' written on it. And, so, Nick's a bit of a hit. And "No Wuckers" - I don't remember seeing that in Home & Away: The Early Years, let alone a prestigious study video such as this. Let's take a look at Nick's study habits, shall we?

Rove: OK.

scene: Nick's room. Sitting back in a folding barbecue chair, wearing a t-shirt with Hitler and a yellow fisherman's hat
Nick: This is hopeless. How am I supposed to study if I can't even find the right book?

Nick : Oh! Oh! I bet Mum knows where it is!

Dave: Now, I'm not sure what all this waving of the arms is about. I think the director possibly had a whisper in his ear, he said 'You know, when you're trying to act excited, just act as though you're being electrocuted'. So, he took up that advice.

Rove: It's completely natural to just fling your arms into the air like that. And what's on his shirt, if you don't mind me asking?

Dave: It's Hitler measuring a plant. And he's also got a yellow detective hat on, which all Nazi's wore.

Rove: So what else does Nick get up to?

Dave: Well, let's have a look.

(scene: Living room. Mum is vaccuming, Nick's attack continues)
Nick: Mum, I still can't find me book!
Mum: I'm not surprised, the state your room's in.
Nick: Well, where is it?
Mum: How should I know? I just want to do my work.
Nick. Well, some help you are!! I might as well just kill myself!!

Rove: Don't' tempt us, Nick.

Dave: I hope he makes a will. He has to leave that barbecue chair and yellow hat to someone. He's still flapping his arms at the beginning of every sentence. Now, here's where Nick's character becomes somewhat more rich.

Rove: Really?

Dave. We go inside Nick's mind, as he recalls the tale of his sad life.

(scene: Nick lying back on his bed, hands behind his head, muttering to himself)
Nick: That's alright, Mum, it's only for the HSC. I mean, that's only 13 years of my life. I mean, 13 years isn't long for the time we're put on this earth. Oh, geez, that's fine.

Dave: Mmm, genius, genius. Now, Rove, sit back, relax, and think back on the history of cinema. The greatest ab-lib scenes of our time. De Niro's "Are you talking to me?", Jack Nicholson's "Here's Johnny", and Nick's "It's only 13 years, Mum".

Rove: I liked the plenty of (mimes arms) this action going on. Do you think he's got his lines written on the ceiling? Am I the only person who believes he was reading off the roof?

Dave: Either that or he was ad-libbing, and it he was ad-libbing, it's pretty scary. It's a video about organisation and planning things as they come, but I reckon when they got to this scene, the director just said "Ah, make it up as you go along."

Rove: So how does it end up? Ho do his study techniques turn out in the end?

Dave: This is how he gets motivated. There's not real explanation for it, but let's have a look anyway.

(scene: Nick's room. He faces the camera. His attack has subsided)
Nick: Right. I'll get organised. Nick'll get the knack. No worries, just watch me.
Rove: Oh, I wish he's said 'no wuckers' there.

Dave: "Nick'll get the knack". I'm not sure if that mean he's gonna listen to 'My Sharona' or not.

Rove: Listen to that synthesiser music. That's even better than Steven Waugh's motivational tape. Very rockin' kind of music, don't you think?

Dave: He doesn't really give an explanation for why he becomes really motivated.

Rove: I reckon, if we pump that music up. I reckon that'd work for me.

Dave: I reckon we'd all get motivated if that happened.

Rove: I love it. Dave Callan, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be right back!

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