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PETER HELLIAR INTERVIEW - BY EMILY HOPKINS - ATTITUDE MAGAZINE

Describe yourself and your work in 30 words :

Describing yourself and what you do is always a tricky thing to do. I guess it's the discomfort of self analysis that makes it this way, oh, my word limit is up. Sorry...

What makes you think you're funny?

I have an official certificate from comic genius Scott Baio that proves that I'm funny. It hangs on my wall next to the dogs playing poker and I look at that certificate every day to remind myself that not only do I think I'm funny but Scott Baio does as well.

Do you do comedy for love or money?

I do it for the love of money.

How do you prefer your audiences?

I prefer my audiences to be five foot four, seated neatly, dressed casually and appreciative of the fine work of Scott Baio.

Does it hurt when they don't laugh? Where ?

No, it hurts them when they don't laugh. I have electrodes connected to the testicles of every audience member which are set off by silence. So laughter must be constant. The women are given testicles on arrival, actually they're not real testicles they're a couple of kiwi fruit in a pouch made out of kangaroo scrotum. It's terribly realistic. Six out of ten men can't tell the difference. Of course, ladies, we do not need the testicles to be returned. We hire them on a night to night basis and the roos need their scrotums back!

Is sexual innuendo in comedy losing its appeal or is your work becoming more crass to get laughs?

I don't do a lot of sexual innuendo. I have a joke about wee and another about wanking. The only reason I have a wanking joke is because it's illegal not to. It helps when you're performing in Broken Hill to be able to pull off a good wanking joke.

What makes you laugh?

Obviously Scott Baio is up there. I would have to say when I see people scratching their heads. There is just something embarrasing about somebody standing by themself scratching their head. I don't know why but it just makes me laugh...

So, why did the chicken cross the road?

I have thought about this long and hard and I believe there are three possibilities.

A. The chicken saw Scott Baio scratching his head.
B. The chicken saw a scrotomless kangaroo.
C. The chicken was a dumb f*ck on acid.

Please finish this sentence: "Adelaide, city of..."

Adelaide, city of Adelaide should be the town's motto. It should be on all the number plates. You should definitely use the fact that you are the only city of Adelaide in Australia to your advantage. It would be the best marketing strategy since the five cent refundable bottles.

How would you like Adelaide audiences to remember you?

As a man who gave his all for his country. Someone who one day may be compared with the great Scott Baio. Remember me drunk, remember me happy, remember me standing, remember me falling, remember me joking. Just don't remember me scratching my head.

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