A love letter that will test your patience/memory/gland control...

Dearest ______________________,

This letter comes straight from my heart./my groin./the card shop. For some time now, I've wanted to tell you/ a priest/anyone that would listen...That the time has come!!!

You're my everything! You're the cream in my coffee/banana in my split/vinegar on my chips. You're the cashmere in my sweater/water n my bath/dishes in my sink. I value you more than a signed Picasso/blank cheque/three speed vibrator. I wouldn't trade you for all the tea in China/bullshit in this letter/ice in the Antarctic.

I've felt this way about you for quite some time/since last night/since I finished the bottle. The only person who ever made me feel this good was Santa/my gynaecologist/my dealer.

I really hope you find this letter intriging/inviting/in the letter box/in time. If not, you can forget it/use it as evidence/use me for unspeakable acts involving ropes, leather gear and pointy things!!!

Your devoted friend/lover/pest

___________________________

P.S. Please never change your smile/eyes/sex.