Peter Berner - transcript of standup he did at the Melbourne Comfest Gala in 1997 ish

(firstly Peter just stands around for a while doing nothing) Oh yeah, righto! Nobody in this country goes to work and starts straightaway, and I'll be stuffed if I'm gonna be any different! Unemployment's a big problem in this country at the moment. I love the way the government is solving that problem...they want to send all the unemployed people to boot camp! Get em into the army! That's just what we need - 800 000 people up early, with their beds made and nothing to do!

They want to send them to the airport to greet people as they come into Australia..."G'day mate, welcome to Australia...lend me fifty cents?" I was walking through town the other day, I have a question for you...I found the offices of the Australian Psychics Association...why does the Australian Psychics Association have a doorbell? Knock Knock? Who's there? You tell me mate!

Our whole anthem is a bit difficult, everyone is confronted by the anthem...we're gonna be the only nation to host the Olympic games who hums the National Anthem on the opening day. The only place I've ever seen our whole anthem in its entirety is on a Mc Donalds placemat. Two verses...there are two verses youknow...big screen, anthem, little white bouncing ball - pretty embarrassing don't you think? I read it all on a Mc Donalds placemat.

That's why we should corporatise everything! Everything! Mc Education! Our kids should be learning Mc Physics and Mc Maths! "What's $1.50 + $1.75 little Johnny?"...."Happy meal!" You know the other big debate that I particularly worry about is the legalisation or the decriminalisation of marijuana...anyone in the room a dope smoker? ...hands up! ...two...How many people in the room think it should be decriminalised? ...hands up...two...so everyone who didn't put their hands up is a dealer? Is that right? Of course marijuana should be decriminalised! For no other reason, it would make 'Burkes Backyard' a whole lot more interesting...man, tell ya, I would love to see Don Burke in someone's roof going, "So, you did all this without natural light hey?"