Peter Berner standup - transcribed by Epod

Bonjourno ! How ya goin' ?...oh who the f**k organised this ? Mic stand by Rubic...this is for television...lets just really annoy the editor (fidgets, stretches, generally stuffs around). And I shouldn't be smoking on television either - look kids, it's fun. Sometimes you find those people that say "don't smoke, you know near me"...you know, you've lit up and you don't smoke. Here's a tip - break off one of your filters, give it to them and say "just suck through this till I've finished"...I made that up...

Did you know, and you probably did cause you're damned cosmopoliton...did you know that you can't get a parachute on a domestic flight in this country - not even an option...you could be in a situation where the whole back of the plane just f**ks off...and you could be there going "Ah stewardess...stewardess, could I possibly have my parachute now ? I'd like to f**k off as well..."

Nah...you get two options...option A - you put your head between your legs, which is a damn fine option, and if you could do it - you wouldn't be on a flight going to Noosa would you ? Option B - lifejacket - Woha...that's just what I needed 33 000 feet above sea level...good on you mate, that oughta break me fall. For the sake of argument, what happens if you strap yourself into your life jacket, you strap yourself into your airline seat with the lap safety belt...which has been proved in numerous Volvo tests, doesn't actually f**kin' save your life - it just keeps you there til the coroner arrives...and your plane...BANG ! hits a mountain...and you survive which doesn't happen as much...

But lets say you're sitting on the side of a mountain 12 000 feet up in the f**kin' Himalayas waiting to be rescued wearing a lifejacket. When the CNN chopper comes over the ridge with every tv camera in the world trained on you, people watching your rescue live via satellite are going to be sitting at home going, "Who's this f**kwit!?", "Why is he wearing a lifejacket on a mountain?"...and when the reporter goes, "Why are you wearing a lifejacket?", you can go, "Well mate, I thought the snow might melt...it's been that kinda day asshole..."

Option B...Your plane hits the ocean, next best bet to the tarmac, cause they're prepared for that...you're floating around the ocean in your lifejacket...This is not an ordinary lifejacket people, we have the technology to go to the moon 12 times, to litter...this lifejacket is state of the f**kin' art...It has a light and a whistle. Well, excuse me if I don't just put one on and f**kin' walk to the North Pole if that's all I need to save my life...not one of these lights, not "I'm over here, come and get me light...", just a pissy five volt double A battery - just enough light to give you the shits...

Just enough light so that every shark that didn't see the plane crash goes "F**k, that's a light, that's a planecrash!" And the diference between you and a shark attack is a boy scout whistle...I've seen a thousand Ben Croft specials, and not once did the white pointer go "Oh f**k it, Bens' got a whistle man...lets...don't blow it Ben". Lets face it folks, no matter how hard you blow that whistle, the guy at 30 000 feet in the spotter plane is not gonna be sittin' there goin', "Did you hear something? Hey there's a light down there ! Look, in that school of sharks...oh it's gone now..."

I was on a flight where the stewardess said to me that the reason why you have the light is to attract passing fishermen...I have a question from enconomy, if the passing fisherman did not see the 68 thousand tonne inferno hit the f**king water - they're not going to see the light ! Don't lie to me....I'm going to die !!!