Lisbeth Gorr (aka Elle McFeast)

(sorry missed the first bit so there's a little tiny bit missing okies - epod)...and any lone, stray, confused members of the Mal Colstone fanclub who've popped in, on the off chance they might have been made welcome. Well, lets face it, it is comedy week on your...AB...oh we havn't got the "c" anymore - can't afford it. It's a warm comedy festival welcome to you all here for the eight annual comedy debate,here at the recently privatised Melbourne town hall, now available for weddings, parties, and earlybird parking.

As you can see, we've brought together some of the finest intellects in the country...to watch as our two teams discuss the contention that "Ignorance is Bliss", or if you prefer it's non politically correct form as I do, "Blondes have more fun"...and when it comes to ignorance, we have six people sitting before you now, who really don't know their stuff.

In the all Australian made affirmative, we have the blissfully ignorant, Paul Mc Dermott, the happily halfwitted Judith Lucy, and the delightfully dense, Anthony Morgan. Taking them on, the internationals, the fully imported negative. Please welcome, the relieved to be rational Greg Proops, the contented to be quick Rhona Cameron, and the proudly persificatious Rich Hall. For those of you who don't know what persificatious means...look it up.

When you think about it, ignorance has been around for a mighty long time. When that first primordial ameba slithered towards the first primordial questionaire, and ticked the box marked "I don't know", ignorance was born. Oh yes, ignorance is older than Pauline Hanson herself, and the roll call of the centrally human characteristics, it holds a proud place - somewhere between talkback radio and lighting farts. In fact, describing ignorance as blissful kinda gives it a drug like quality don't you think? Which would make...it would makeArthur Tunstall a social user, it would imply a serious control problem with Amanda Vandstone, and lets face it, it leaves Alexander Downer completely off his face - the mans whole life is a cry for help. I ask you, is it possible that the answer to the central question, "Why do I exist?" actually is "I don't know."?

Well, maybe the person to tell us is Paul Mc Dermott, the first speaker for the affirmative in "Ignorance is Bliss"...now, this is probably the only occasion where you'll ever hear Paul Mc Dermott referred to as a speaker for the government, or for anyone else for that matter. Every Friday on Good News Week, Paul kneecaps the mighty, and stuffs theirgeneralities back down their throats...and, for all that, he's still the closest thing the ABC's had to a pinup boy since...oh...Tim Bowden left Backchat. So, to open the case for the government, aggressively arguingthat ignorance is bliss, give me those squeals and welcome Paul Mc Dermott.

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Thankyou Paul, yes, yes. Speaking is Pauls second language. Our first speaker for the afirmative tonight, Greg Proops, has been described as cruel, vicious, and sarcastic...but regardless of how his wife feels about him, audiences and critics just love him. Greg is renowned as as perhaps the only Californian in captivity with a fully functioning sense of irony. Opening the case for the negative, arguing that ignorance is not bliss, ladies and gentlemen, Greg Proops.

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Now, the second speaker for the affirmative, and what a delight she is. Ladies and gentlemen, Judith Lucy was worth staying up for "The Late Show", she's worth going out for with her dazzling one woman shows, and since she doubled her woman power with Helen Razor on Triple J's "The Ladies Lounge", menstral cycles have synchronised all over the country. As a student of womens' magazines, American soaps, and Oprah Winfrey, she is more qualified than most to argue that ignorance is bliss. Ladies and gentlemen, Judith Lucy.

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English Statesman, Lord Hallifax once said that the struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it like that of wrestling with a fine woman. But how many fine women are into wrestling? (indicates she is) Though I must admit that I was partial to Mario Milona at one stage of my life. Now, you often hear comedians described as dangerous and on the edge, but Rhona Cameron was actually arrested at the Edinburgh Festival and she was arrested for playing a Burt Bacharach record - too loud, at four in the morning. I ask the question, when isn't a Burt Bacharach record too loud? Continuing the case for the negative, please welcome Rhona Cameron.

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Why does the affirmative team look so happy? Is it because (Anthony Morgan yells,"I'm in love!") You're in love? Or is it because their next speaker is Anthony Morgan? Now what can I say about Anthony Morgan that isn't subjudicy? I mean, really. Anthony first shot to national prominence with his regular appearances on the "Denton" show, and then went straight back into obscurity again, but his rankish charm and merciless wit meant he couldn't stay there for long. (Judith runs out the back with Rhona) go and watch Paul, you know you want to (Paul also runs out the back). Continuing the case for the affirmative, will you please make welcome, Anthony Morgan.

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Our final speaker for the negative, Rich Hall. Now, this is the man. This is the man here. Rich has a comedy pedigree that would make Hale and Pace weep. He's worked on "Saturday Night Live", "The Tonight Show", and he's won an Emmy for his written contributions to "The David Letterman" shows. As a live performer, he has sold out venues from Vietnam to Helsinki, and he's even written books and stuff like that. Ladies and gentlemen, would you please make welcome, Rich Hall.

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Rich Hall. Wow. What a huge speech. I couldn't see Rich's mouth, but those buns of steel were working overtime. (?) said "that to know is to suffer". We know all the arguments, hope you haven't suffered too much. It's now time for me to ask the captains of both teams to come forward with their summation. For the negative, we have Greg Proops, but firstly for the affirmative, make welcome once again, to be followed straight after by(looks at Greg) .....darling . Please make welcome, Paul Mc Dermott.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight you have listened to six people who believe it's better to open your mouth and seem a little foolish, then keep it closed...and risk losing an appearance fee. But still, is ignorance bliss, or is it not? I remember my mother said to my grandmother once, "How on earth did I ever get my bitch of a daughter?",to which my grandmother responded to my mother, "Oh, the same way I got mine, dear." Ladies and gentlemen, tonight it's up to you - you here at the Melbourne Town Hallare going to decide by acclamationfor those of you siding with the affirmative...you know, acclamation means clapping and cheering. So, if you do believe that ignorance is bliss, go for it for the negatives the winners, the negatives! It looks like the winning team is our negative side. Look at those happy, smiling faces! Congratulations to all of our participants tonight : Greg Proops, Rhona Cameron, Rich Hall. Anthony, Judith, Paul - I'm sorry, but you just weren't good enough on the night. Ladies and Gentlemen, thankyou for coming, and we've all enjoyed it graciously. Thank you very much.