Judith Lucy

Well, thank you Mr Greg "even though Americans are as thick as pigsh*t, I still couldn't make it there and had to move to England" Proops. Well, I don't know if you know, I'm pretty sure the opposition doesn't know, but I'm, I'm actually...I'm actually adopted. I found out on Christmas Day three years ago. I was never meant to find out I was adopted. Now, not too many people know this, but before I found out I was adopted...now not too many people know this...everyone else walked around, I think I might too...now, not too many people know this, but before I found out I was adopted, I was actually a blonde, size eight, corporate lawyer who was able to juggle her career with being a loving wife and a mother of two. In other words, I was happy, blissfully happy. Look at me now. I've lost my job, my husband, my children...sure, they were imaginary, but they were important to me. I'm a different woman. I'll be honest with you, I'm now a size 12 slash 14 brunette, and if I'm completely candid, I'll admit I'm a poor, desperate, drunken sl*t.

Oh yes, ignorance is bliss. I'm sorry, as far as I'm concerned, there are a lot of things out there I simply don't need to know. Do you think we really want to know what we think of each other? I mean, do you think Paul really wants to know that I think he's a talentless, hip thrusting, ego maniac who I still hold a grudge against because he slapped me across the face when I saw the Doug Anthony Allstars nine years ago? Of course they don't. Do you think I want to know what people really think of me? Of course I don't. I work for the ABC, I work for Triple J, I went in the other week and I was happy - not as happy as I was when I was a corporate lawyer, but relatively speaking. I found this letter addressed to me : "Dear sh*t features, I would rather remove my own spleen than listen to your attempts at wellI don't even want to use the word 'humour' in a piece of paper yuou could possibly be touching. You are so low on the evolutionary ladder that I am sure there are protazoa cracking better knock knock knock jokes than you. Why don't you just top youself? Brian Johns."

What about public figures, all through history for gods' sake - politicians, filmstars, members of the royal family - wouldn't we be more happier if we didn't know what was going on in their private lives? I mean, I'm sorry - John F Kennedy, Elvis Presley, Prince Charles, I don't want to know. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to know what Stuart Littlemore is doing in his spare time. Pamela Anderson Lee, there's an excellent example. I used to deeply respect Pamela as a serious actor, and indeed her husband, Tommy Lee as a respected musician...until I read, and this is completely true, that Pamela actually swings nude, while Tommy plays the piano to inspire him. Now, admittedly just to help me write this speech, I did have a naked photo of Mal Colston just stuck to my ceiling. Who can blame me? It's that cheeky little grin.

Finally, may I say that if I had been ignorant about the details of this debate, like where it was and when it was, do you think that I'd be here now, hanging out with a couple of Americans that are about as funny as putting your neck into a mincer, and some lesbian...I'm sorry, you didn't need to know that. That was something you didn't need to know...some person from a country where they wouldn't know a...(Rhona Cameron jumps up and runs towards Judith)not a cat fight!? (Rhona grabs Judith and pashes her and they fall to the ground, and Rich Hall runs over to Anthony and they collapse on the floor together *g* it was something you just had to see I guess)

Good evening, I'm Jana Wendt. I can't blame Rhona, she's human, she's breathing. In conclusion, do you think I'd be hanging out with some person...I certainly wont be saying that word again - we saw what happened last time.some person (Rich walks across the stage and hands Anthony some flowers) oh that'll do, oh don't, it's too late, it's far too late for that. I think we can steady on. I've got about one line left. Oh look, f*ck it! (Judith tips a glass of water over her head and walks off)