Greg Proops - transcribed from standup he performed

I get to go to Scotland every year for a very big festival they have called the Bagpipe torture festival. Where people from around the world gather and the pipes are played 24 hours a day. Next to having your teeth drilled with your hands over your ears, or watching 'Riverdance' for the rest of your life, I can think of nothing more pleasant then listening to the pipes. We have castles in Edinburgh, and they give tours of it...and who takes the tour? No one but Americans - right? Because the people of Edinburgh are busy shooting heroin and enjoying their lives! They don't have time for the tour, only an idiotic American would take the tour.

I don't want to give the tour. We don't know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an Australian guy painted his face blue and somehow they won. I don't want to be a tour guide in Scotland..."To your right you'll see the Edinburgh Castle...Edinburgh Castle was built by blind, gay midgets in 1964, under the direction of a young Rod Stewart...Down here in the Princess Street gardens, home to one of the most popular Scottish people of the world...Scottie from Star Trek...Lets say a big hello to him as we drive by..."

I spend a lot of time in England, and I'll tell you why. It's a very simple reason. I like to go to a country where I am considered...the best looking person...it's as simple as that. In Hollywood, it's kinda a crushing ego blow...you know..."Hey Buddy Holl...you're so old, why do you not die?"...and in England, "Oh good gawd, look at him - he has all his teeth, and his ears are in proportion to his head..he's not in the Royal family..." And, the English people who, as you know are very warm andcuddly by nature...look for the irony..."no they're not"...Yes, I know...Always have lots of interesting questions for me like, "When are you leaving?"...and, "Do you miss America?"...and,"Are you Miss America?"

I miss what any American would miss if they lived overseas...I miss 96 channels! I'll tell you now, yes I do...cause there are four exciting channels in England. "Did you say four channels?!"...Why, yes I did...Funville Trolley...ding! ding! Get off here, it's world entertainmentheadquarters! And you're the emperor! "Honey, hand me the remote! Lets go round the...oh damn, we're done...", Four channels? Why, we'll be up til...11.15! Four channels in England and you know what they're like? (mimes changing channel)...the humpback whale, truly the most jocular of natures citations as it circumnavigates the globe, telling jokes to the other whales in its path (mimes changing channel)...the cheetah, clearly the friskiest of all the savannah cats...(mimes changing channel)...Hollywood, where the brightly coloured human cockatiels use their plumage to attract and their personalities to repel (mimes changing channel)...Melbourne, where it's sunny one second...and in a nano second, it's pissing down rain.

I like being here in Melbourne, cause you have...food...I think that's what it's called...In England, there is a flavour embargo going on, not a service orientated country I notice...Let me put it this way - before I went to England I thought that Fawlty Towers was a comedy show...now I realise, it's a hard hitting documentary on English service...