Greg Fleet - transcript of his standup

Now, I'm being put up in a hotel during the festival which is really nice, but I came home the other night, and in my hotel room there's this litre of milk just sitting there and I just thought...you little...and I just punched the sh*t out of this litre of milk...sorry I'm a little bit lactose intolerant. Now, I'm doing a show called 'Greg Fleets Underwater World', and as a part of the research of that show, I actually lived under the sea for fourteen years and during that time I learnt a bit, became very close to a lot of aquatic creatures...you know, had a lot of fun...but a lot of people say stuff about the sea that's not true.

They say things - they don't even think about it, like the other night a friend of mine went to a party and I said, "Like, how was the party??", the next day, and he said, "Oh Fleety, had a whale of a time mate, had a whale of a time!" I said, "What does that mean ? A whale of a time ? Like you got really big and ate plankton and stuff ?". What's going on there? Now that film, 'Flipper', right...tv show, 'Flipper' too...do you think the people that made that film...they didn't really care about that dolphin. When they came to naming it , they didn't give it a lot of thought did they? Naming a dolphin, Flipper - that would be like having a daughter and naming her 'Leg'...having a giraffe and naming it 'Necky'.

I used to do standup when I first started about shark attacks, and I used to do this thing right...some people say that you can have your leg bitten off by a shark and you don't even know that it's happened. I find that a little hard to believe - surely you would notice in a couple of days? You know...geeze I'm leaning fairly heavily to the left here...you know...I was very witty back then. It's got me thinking cause I did a gig recently, and this is a true story right...this gig...talking about shark attacks...about 200 people in the room, it was really going well...this is a true story.

It was going fantastically, well I was really enjoying it and I looked down in the front row and there's a young couple , maybe like 35 years old, something like that, and they're bawling, really bawling, and they're going, "No nothing, nothing"...and I said, "No, tell me what is it? Look, I've stopped everyone, what - did someone you know get taken by a shark?" And they went, "Yes, yes", and this is true, and I said, "Who?"...and the guy in the couple went, "Our son.", and I just went..."Oh my gawd", and in the back of my mind I was going, "I wish I was in Geelong" - and it's not very often you think that...and I swear to god, the only thing I could think of to say, and I said this was, "Oh well, don't worry, maybe the shark took him somewhere really good, like Hawaii"