Ed Byrne - comedy transcript

It's lovely to be here, lovely to be back I just want to ask you a simple question...Are there many people here that are in a couple? How many couples have we got here? Just one bloke there and one bloke there, excellent...It's not a very close relationship is it lads? Have you had a row before you come out? It's good to know, cause I'm single meself...calm down ladies, calm down...no I am, single meself...I always use that phrase...I always use that phrase, I say "I'm single meself" and people say - yes sir, that's how it works...Single with someone else, you're a f**kin' couple, prick...

I met my last girfriend in Glasgow, she wasn't my girlfriend when I met her she was a complete stranger, obviously...but then she became my girlfriend and she became even stranger...and then she became me ex-girlfriend, and that's how it works. Cause we broke up in the end because we had a basic, but instrumental problem in our relationship which was ah...HER...you know how it is...We lived together...how many people here live with their boyfriend or girlfriend...

I just find it much easier to have relationship with someone you don't live with, for the simple reason, because it's much easier to have an argument with someone who you don't live with, if you don't live with them you don't have to finish the arguement...you just make a dramatic exit, you just f**k off, and there's nothing they can say to you 'cause you're not f**king there ! It's brilliant, you just go, "If you're going to be like that, then f**k yah, I'm gone!" (flicks his hair and walks off) And off you go...Obviously, it helps if you've got the hair you know...

But, you can't do that when you live together because if you live together, it's more like "Right, if you're going to be like about it, then f**k yah, I'm goin'...into the kitchen...you've done it now, I'm off to make toast...that's how angry I am..." Doesn't really work does it...You have ways to finish an arguement, ways to bring an arguement to a close without looking like too much of a dick...and the classic one I always used to use, the classic blokes way of finishing an arguement..."Oh look, whatever it is I'm supposed to have said, didn't mean it...whatever it was..." Just got to chuck in the extra whatever it was just to make sure you're not really apologising. What I love is the more theatrical one, the more dramatic one, that one of..."Whatever it is that I'm supposed to have DONE ...(more hairflicking etc) I'm really sorry...I'm apologising, but f**ked if I'm ever admitting if I did anything wrong...

Now, it's not a very nice thing to do admittedly, it's a bit of a cop out line, especially s**t thing to say, but it always made me wonder why Take That were did so well with that song...Actually I always wondered why Take That did so well at all...remember that song Take That had remember "Whatever I did, Whatever I said, I didn't mean it"...That's shite ! Oh that's a love song is it lads ? Oh well done, up all night thinking of that one...can't wait to hear what your next song is called..."Of course I love ya, I'm shaggin' you aren't I?", where's the romance in that ? Taken from the album "Shouldn't I buy you a kebab?"...

While I'm on the subject of music, does anybody like Alanis Morissette ? Woo, the women going "Yes, she speaks for the voice of the disaffected woman mmm"....men going "No, she's a moaning cow!" Well, I quite like her I do like Alanis Morissette, but she is a bit of a whinging bitch isn't she honestly (sings) "It's not fair"...oh you moaning cow, jesus no wonder he left you, jesus christ...no, she wouldn't go down on me in a theatre, but she knows when to give it a rest...

Oh Alanis Morissette is sitting in somewhere in LA thinkin' some Irish comic in Australia is giving out about me, I'm pretty f**kin' upset ! She gives a bullocks...yeah, I quite like Alanis, in fact I used to look like her for gawds sake - back when she was a man obviously, Alan Morris, as he was known then...but, she did have that one song that really bugged the tits off me...I used to have a great pair of tits, til they bugged off me by this song...

Remember that song, "Ironic" ? Remember that one? "Isn't it Ironic"...no it's not, ask me another...She kept naming all these things in her song that were supposed to be ironic, and none of them were...they were all just unfortunate...Song should've been called "Unfortunate"...The only ironic thing about that song is that it's called "Ironic" and it is written by a woman who doesn't know what irony is, that's quite ironic when you think about it...

'Cause you look at some of the lyrics ..."Like a traffic jam when you're already late...", that's not ironic - that's just a pain in the hole, that's about it...when was the last time you were late, got stuck in a traffic jam and thought...oh look at the irony on this hey...here's irony for you, I was in a fierce ironic traffic jam the other day I tell you...I was going down Point Road, the irony was backed up for miles it was...there's nothing ironic about being stuck in a traffic jam when you're late for something - unless you're a town planner...If you were a town planner and you were late for a seminar at which you were giving a talk on how you solved the problem of traffic congestion in your area, couldn't get to it because you got stuck in a traffic jam - that'd be bloody well ironic wouldn't it ? "Lads, I'm sorry I missed it, you'd never guess"...maybe that's what she meant...

...and the next one's nearly as bad..."A no smoking sign on your cigarette break..." No, that's inconsiderate office management that what that is...A "No Smoking" sign in a cigarette factory - irony...it's not a difficult concept, Alanis...it's very rare that you see an ironic "No Smoking" sign...although, have you ever seen one of those ones that say "Thank you for not smoking"...and you are...fairly ironic when that happens...

But the best line in that song, the best song ever written in any song, "It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife..." That's not ironic, that's just f**in' stupid...how big is your sink Alanis ? We haven't got ten thousand spoons between us have we folks ? What do you need this knife for ? To stab the f**ker who keeps leaving spoons all over your house...but we'll give her the benifit of the doubt...Imagine you needed a knife for somethin', couldn't find one 'cause all you found was ten thousand spoons...could happen, and therefore...and therefore...

(gets heckled) Look, when I pause, it's called 'comic timing', it's not 'cue the f**kwit'...so imagine...(heckled again) Pardon me? What ? If it was you'd be the first to know...as I was saying...see this is the difference between saying funny things and saying things...that's why I've got a microphone and you don't...the only time you get a microphone is when they put you on the drive thru counter...so, as I was saying (heckled again)...oh, here we go, he's just not giving up is he...no I'm f**kin' determined I don't care! I'm going to say things and still no f**ker is going to laugh but I'm going to go home feeling very good about myself ! Which is the difference between you and everybody else here, you see...you're going to go home tonight and the next day you're going to talk to all you're mates...alright you're one mate...you're gonna say..."Dad...I was really funny last night, you'll be really proud of me...I went wooooha and everybody thought I was brilliant..." and everybody else is going to go home and say, "The comedy was brilliant, but there was one f**king c*ckhead that just wouldn't shut the f**k up!"

I'm going to get to this, don't worry, I'm going to get to this...Imagine you needed a knife for something...remember a little while back in the routine...imagine you needed a knife for something, couldn't find something, 'cause all you could find was ten thousand spoons...could happen, could happen...and therefore you couldn't do whatever you needed the knife for...and then, the next day it turned out that a spoon would've done...you're only taking the lid off a tin of peach, you could have used a spoon for that you prick ! Ten thousand of the bastards, that's ironic hey ?!

Now, I was doing a gig once, back in England right and this woman got really arsey at me about the whole Alanis Morisette thing, she's a big fan right and I got to the bit about the ten thousand spoons and she decided that it was just a bit too picky, right...so, she decides to have a go, and she goes..."Well, it's a metaphor !"...mmmmm...a bit more coherent than he was, so you know so fair play to her right, but it was great because I was able to say...Because she says, "It's like ten thousand spoons", it means it's a similie ! Who'd have thought that knowing the diference between a metaphor and a similie would come in handy one day hey ?! I'm going to head off, someone explain that joke to him...