How's it goin? Nice to be here. I mean that. I'm not being fake. Cause I used to be a roof tiler. I was a roof tiler for 13 years. It's a shit job...thought I'd give it 13 years, see if it comes good...nah, it was shit at the end, no surprises there. Did you see that bloke talking to himself out the front? Hi was having a bit of a chat with himself...weirdo. The weird thing is, while he was standin' there talking to himself, I was looking at him going, "That blokes talking to himself over there...might be something wrong with him the wanker...lock him up!". Somebody's looking at me goin', "That blokes talking to himself over there...weirdo...wanker...must lock him up...something's wrong with him I reckon" I'm lookin', and he's talking to himself too. By that time, that blokes looking at me goin...that blokes talkin...no, YOU are Gotta be careful doin' things you know.

Seen those people in the street who think it's embarrassing to sneeze out loud, so they sneeze with their mouth shut...looks like their head's gonna explode! It's like when you go on a date. You have to hold everything in. You know, you're gonna get a burp, you know that you don't want to burp in front of them, so you hold your mouth shut...but it doesn't go away, it just builds up more pressure, ends up comin' out somewhere where it's not supposed to. Have you ever done those Coca Cola burps that come out of your nose and your eyeballs? Geeze they go, "Shit! his heads gonna explode!"

You know when you talk to somebody...a little bit of spit comes out of your mouth when you talk to somebody...and you see it happen, cause both of you go, "Whoops!"..."Whoops! I got him"...he's thinkin', "Whoops! He got me." But no one says anything. It's a secret. If it lands on me, I don't wipe it straight away cause I don't want to make a big thing about it. I don't want to embarrass him - I've got his spit on my face, and I'm worried about his feelings yeah I know, it's terrible isn't it? "Did I get you?"..."No, no it's alright".

Do you know, I sit at home all day and I don't fart once. I go on a date, and I've got twenty in the bank straightaway. Where the hell do they come from? Don't make me laugh or they're gonna come out. If I don't go out, they still happen here goin' "erewww"..."Is that me or you?"..."You." Do you do those secret farts in the supermarket? You quickly piss off to another aisle. "Oooh sh*t! That's mine". My friends...you know my friends, when we go out they always tell me things like, they always like to tell me before they're going to fart - like it is really important. "Oh geeze, I've got to fart"...you're goin'"Don't do it here". Well they tell you after they've done it, "I've just farted"..but no one ever tells you while they're doing it. That would be a bit weird going, "I'm farting".