I've only got a few minutes...before the dynamite strapped to my knickers goes off...I'm very nervous at the moment actually, cause I suffer from spontaneous incontinence...I'm English (audience member : woo!)...one person's excited about that, and I am quite surprised...coming to Australia for the first time because in Earls Court you meet Australians and they just tell you how horrible it is here..."Aw, it's bloody horrible mate, you don't want to go there...it's bloody horrible, you don't want to go there, it's bloody horrible!"...and you get here and it's really lovely, and what they're actually saying is, "It's really nice there, we don't bloody want you there, it's really nice there...you'll spoil it...", and we will.

I've come here to thank you on the behalf of the British people for one or two things you've done as a nation. We'd like to thank your coastguard for saving Tony Bullimore, the around the world yachtsman. You went out and saved him, thankyou very much - we'dve left him...well, he's an idiot isn't he? He's in a solo, round the world yacht race, which, as far as I'm concerned, you're gonna win...right? All you have to do is get round, and he couldn't manage that could he? He's capsized four times - he's not noticed a pattern emerging in his maritime career..."er Tony, you know that bit you're living in? That's the wrong way up...You should be sittin' in that bit...", "Should I really?" "Yes you should..."

There was that bit, the lovely bit where they said that the coastguard would take five days to get to him...I love that cause, I know Australia's a big place...If you cut out Australia, out of the Atlas...you cut around the edge neatly, and lay it over Europe or lay it over America...or over Africa...they'll throw you out of the library...and charge you with criminal damage...so, don't do that...but I mean, five days to get to a bloke off the coast...cause I travelled 10265 miles, it only took me 24 hours...nothing is five days from anywhere is it? So, I reckon what happens was a bloke came running to the coastguard and said: "There's a boat capsized off the coast! What are we gonna do???", "We'll be there in 20 minutes!"..."It's a Pommie"..."f*ck it - five days".