Mikey Robins

Ladies and gentlemen of Melbourne town, all's fair in love and war...and what the hell does that mean? War and love are two of the most unfair things in the world. The very nature of war and love makes them unfair. I'll start with love first. Now, I know what you're thinking...what does that fat fool know of love? (pauses for sympathy)...and that's very unfair of you, cause there's something here the skinny men in the house don't know - once a woman's had fat, she never goes back. I'm like a jumping castle with genitalia.

The basic differences that make love inheritantly unfair. Now I've been told that to get a woman aroused there has to be the right ambience, the right chemistry, both intellectually and physically and emotionally. Hell, I'm a man - all I need is the lingere section of the Kmart catalogue. Then there's the whole unfair question of...endurance. It's a well known fact that most men finish most jobs quicker than women. Although, somewhere between the lights going out, and your pants hitting the carpet is considered poor form. I don't see what the problem is, I mean women of the 90s complain they don't have enough time...they don't have enough time for study, for the home, for excercise, for their careers - well darlin', I'm just giving you back 20 minutes free time. What's the problem? What's the problem?

Another unfair thing when it comes to the world of love is men, we're told reach their sexual peak in their late teens, whereas for women, that's much later in life...isn't that right Margaret? (meows *g*) Love is not fair. The nature of love is not fair, the nature of love is not fair...and the worst thing is, and we all know this. We finally do find love, in the back of your mind one partner is always slightly more sexually attractive than the other. You know, for every Jeff there is a Felicity.

Lets move on to war. War by nature must be unfair. If war was completely fair, we'd still be fighting the battle of Hastings. After the Gulf war there was a new theory in place. The Powell theory. After General Colin Powell, which states that to win a war one should have simple objectives, and an overwhelming force. It also is known as the, "Well derrrrrrrrrr" theory. Yes, history is written by the victors, which brings me to a brave little country called...Germany...that took on the might of Europe and America, and then tried it again.

Yes, I know that Hitler is often cast as one of the great villians of the twentieth century, but now think about this : Hitler didn't smoke, didn't drink, he was a vegetarian, he let Eva keep her day job. He was a perfect 90s man. Churchill, on the other hand smoked so many cigars, drank so much red wine, ate so much red meat that he had a heart attack in 1942, and no one told the world about it. Hitler made better home movies than Churchill, he was a better dancer than Churchill. Now, you've seen that footage of Hitler up at the Bavarian retreat doin' the Hitler shuffle, doing the funky fura. Okay, Hitler dance, the same dance 50 years later, Nelson Mandela. Nelson Mandela stole Hitlers dance. But we all love Mandela, we don't love Hitler. Hitlers' two biggest mistakes...were not wearing loud Hawaiian shirts and being a homicidal manic. And, when it comes to the unfairness of love and war, it is when war and love, though politics interceed that we have trouble.

So, um I was thinking about Clinton, Monica. The fact that he's bombed four countries since the affair became public, but this is nothing new. Eisenhour used the Korean war to cover his long term affair with his female driver. Kennedy had to invade Cuba to (?) the story that he was doing the matress mambo with Marilyn Monroe, Angie Dickinson, and half of Central casting. Nancy made (?) kick the shit out of Central America for 8 years so she and Frank Sinatra could make geriatric porno out the back. This is of course the same Frank Sinatra who got the aforementioned Jack Kennedy so many Vegas showgirls that he had to escalate the war in Vietnam to keep it off the front page.

George Bush was obviously married to a man. George Washington started the American Revolution to cover the fact that he had most of his plantation slaves up the spout out of the British tabloids. Lincon used the civil war to cover up a taste for rough sex in Washington Parks. Roosevelt was so concerned about his closet homosexuality becoming known that he charged up San One Hill (?) just to butch up his image. And speaking of Roosevelt, FDR and Eleanor needed the whole damn second world war just to disguise the fact they'd turned the Whitehouse into the Playboy mansion, with enough live sexual orgy-tastic, drug taking, humpy humpy going on - that's the only bloody reason that he needed a wheelchair. He was too shagged out from all the rooting.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is obvious that the correlation between high sexual desire and the need for a good war...which is why Australia is safe in John Howards' hands. Good night, and god bless you all.