Death Coach - By Jimbo

Jimbo lives on the road performing his comedy show called 'The Big Night Out'. To catch him live, check out jimbo.com.au for venues and dates. Go on, before you die!

My name is Jimbo. I'm not a 'weirdo' or 'kooky'. In fact, if I went on TV dating show, I'd probably describe myself like this. 'I'm a pretty normal type of a guy, who likes to go out and just generally have a good time and I don't mind trying things that are bit different, every now and then'. That's why I decided to take on, pop pschology's latest fad. It's called a 'Death coach'.

We all know about Life Coaches. They address the feeling that perhaps we are missing out in life, by not breaking out, taking risks and going for what we 'really want' in life. Life coaches address this reluctance to change, by providing mentorship which the traditional role models within family and church perhaps, no longer provide. Life coaches are confidants who, gently nudge us in the direction of our dreams e.g they help us spring clean relationships, change careers, earn more money, and get the motivation to be fit etc.

Death coaches are different. They see the achievement of your dreams as overrated and not worth it, particularly if it's something extraordinary. Death coaches recognise that upon climbing to the top of your personal mountains, you'll see a magnificent view but they also see the arduous journey required to get there, as coming at the expense, of the one thing in life, that makes, all humans happy. That is, the richness of human interaction.

The feeling of comeraderie felt, by having people around you in your life who are going through, exactly the same things as you. People who know, 'how you feel'. By following your dreams, you may acquire great stories and grow to be admired but along the increasingly lonely road to your peak, you will also be dogged by a sense of longing, to go down and join the mob, again. Death coaches, recommended, that you act on these urges to return. They say, 'Fuck the top of the mountain. It's not worth it'. They also say, that if you ask anyone who has climbed to the top of Mt Everest, what they really thought of the experience, the answer (after a few beers) would be, "It was fuckin' cold and I couldn't wait to get down".

Death coaches also point out that the lessons learnt from going out on limb, are generally of much more benefit to the group, than for the individuals who do it. Plus if you do make it back from the edge of the limb, the only job that you're really qualified to do from there, is motivational talks. Death coaches recommend that, to be happy for the maximum amount of time in your life, the smart thing to do, is simply hang with the herd and enjoy their company. My Death coach, analysed my life and identifyed 12 key areas, I need to touch up on. Or as he called them, 'The 12 commandments for happiness'. Each lesson cost $100. I'd like to share, with you, what he taught me.

First. Cigarettes.

Cigarettes are at first, disgusting, give you headspins, make you cough and stink your clothes, but addiction has it's rewards. This smoker's network, gives you access to a wealth of gossip, more pleasurable than the nicotine, itself. This makes smoker's far more interesting to be around, than non-smokers. All smoker's will confirm this. Just ask anyone chewing on a lung lolley outside a hospital in a wheelchair, straight after their leg amputation. They'll tell you the best thing about the operation was, they came out, with their right arm still on. If you still find smoking difficult - do what most people do. Take it up, after consuming ten drinks, in a pub. Your lungs won't notice a thing.

Second. Alcohol.

Without alcohol, not many of us would be here. Our parents would have never met, let alone shagged. One of the reasons people drink, is to cope with the sober people. Drinker's love to talk loudly and laugh. One of their many private jokes, is to repeat themselves to sober people, until they go away. Join them for a drink however and they instantly become a fountain of knowledge. That is, until last drinks. By this time you'll either love or hate each other which will determine whether you want to fight or fuck each other. Alcohol cuts the bullshit out of life, by bringing people together, one way or the other.

Third. Bills

Bills are like herpes. They're a hassle and keep returning, but after a while you get used to them. They include: rent, landline, internet, electricity, RSL subscriptions, golf club subscriptions, gym membership, health insurance, life insurance, income insurance, home and contents insurance, car insurance, car repayments, credit card, direct debits, the cleaner, lay by, hire purchase, savings, school fees, superannuation. Everyone who stays in one place, picks them up. They then accumulate, like layers of fat. Bills are worth it though, as that they form a natural conversation topic, with 99% of the population. I.e if you've got nothing to say, just complain about the bills in your life, like everybody else. A mortgage bill, is a fee you pay every month, so you've got a place, to store all your stuff. It's the biggest bill of all. Even bigger than the bill that humanity owes to the environment. The best thing about signing up for a mortgage, is that it takes away life's biggest burden. The idealism of your youth.

Fourth. Kids.

Having kids is no longer an evolutionary necessity for the survival of the species. But as you get older there is a far greater necessity. That is, to not feel like a freak at social gatherings. If there isn't a pram at these parties, it's because everyone there, is still trying. Trying to conceive or trying to find, 'the one'. When you have a kid, you'll be so glad this is not 'you' anymore. The best thing about breeding, is the mind-blowing experience it is to see, your child speak and stand for the first time. Childless people are the only people on the planet who expect a child to be doing these things, by the age of two. Making a baby, on the other hand, is something that still blows them away. For the next ten years, after a child can stand and talk, parents will then tell their children to 'sit down and shutup' - but don't worry, 'it's worth it'. When your child is finally, able to fend for themselves, after about two decades, they will then blame you, for ruining their life. Not knowing what this feels like, will lead to a deep sense of lonlieness in the nursing home when no-one visits you, for an autograph.

Fifth. Settling down.

Settling down is exactly the same thing, that happens to cordial. You stop moving and the sediment goes to the bottom. I.e you go grey, bald and get fat. You then start to worry that potential sex partners will, will not drink you. The best way to combat this, is to start collecting as much money as possible, from the moment you leave school, so that when the ageing signs do start to happen, you'll be in the best position to get a top trade-in price, on your old life. Selling out of single life, involves pretending, that you only want to root one person, for the rest of your life. This is necessary, in order to get 'the other half' to sign the marriage contract. When you're married, getting knocked back for a root, no longer bothers you. This is because you've got a guraranteed one, back at home. I.e your confidence with the opposite sex, will skyrocket.

Sixth. Exercise

Walking down to the shops, does not make sense because by the time you get in a car and circle round for a park, it'll take the same time, anyway. Getting fat, is a sign of comfort and it's as easy as paying other people to do all the work, in your life. E.g cleaners, gardeners, removalists, car washers and hookers. Some people even go to the extent of paying people, to put the napkin in their lap, before they eat. By not exercising you'll die earlier, which will come as a huge relief, considering how shit feel you feel when you reach 60, anyway. If you must, go to the gym, remember exercise is not the point. This is evidenced by the amount of people who drive there and catch the escalator up to the entrance. Once inside, you'll then be able to check out talent, without feeling like a pervert in a disco. Just do what everyone else is doing: wear the right gear, have a towel around your shoulder and keep walking.

Seventh. Diet

When you shop, don't buy nuts, fruit, vegetables or bread. There is far much more money you can spend on food, for a fraction of the nutritional value. Only eat things that come in a plastic wrapper. Don't eat food that comes protected in it's own skin or shell. You'll know you're on the right track when you're turds start to sink. Shit food, feels horrible once it hits your stomach. The salt, sugar, oil will however blow your taste buds away. So much so, that salads and subtle flavours will never taste the same again. These explosions in your mouth provide instant relief, from the subconscious grief, you feel in the pit of your soul, from all the things that continually shit ya - i.e the food you eat, bills, your boss, kids, your partner, the rennovations, and the way you look in the mirror. People who don't pepper their day with chocolate and deep fried food, end up, committing suicide or homicide. So don't eat with them, just in case they snap. Your body is made up of 80% water, so don't put any more of that in, either as your eyballs will hate it. Instead, wash down your food with a cocktail of tea, coffee, alcohol and headache tablets.

Eighth. Conversing with people.

The real kicks in life come from creative and personal enlightenment, attained through chaos, escapism and abandon, with other people. i.e power struggles, rooting and getting 'off your face'. That's why, they are the main things we want to discuss, when alone with a good friend. The cross that all humans bear for enjoying these pleasures, is an inate sense of insecurity about our place in the universe. In attempt to combat this, 'society' has been developed. This is a place which seeks to create, cultural homogeny, as a relief from the unknown and unpredictable. A place where you know, you can always be fed, sheltered and provided with companionship. The cost of entry into society, is the agreement, that you will 'behave', once inside. This means that when you're in society, you must not talk directly, openly and frankly about the great kicks in life obtained, on the outside of 'society'. When talking in 'society', your escapades outside, can can only be 'alluded' to with clever use of 'double entendre'.

'Society's cage' however is not a prison that traps you but more of an open bird bath and free feed, for anyone who is prepared to play by it's rules, when visiting. You are free to fly in and out of society and the 'wildside of life', at your whim. It's not good to spend too much time in either one though. Optimum living, involves regular ebbing and flowing between them like a daily tide. Thus giving yourself an equal balance of the primary ying and yang that characterises, a full human existence: That is a healthy dose of security and insecurity, in equal proportions.

Conversational small talk within society is the great determiner of correct behaviour. It's function, is much the same as that which a mirror, provides to a budgie, in captivity. Security and companionship. When in the society, the best way to fit in, is to mirror the dominant political attitude. All personal attitudes should be left, to the outside. This will also give you a sense of contribution to sociey's great asset: homogeny, as opposed to the wildside's greatest asset: diversity. Society and the 'wildside', look like enemies but are in fact, symbiotic dichotomies which dance beside each other, every day and night, like good and evil, life and death, health and sickness, male and female, in the great bubbling, steaming froth we alternatively love and hate, called 'the experience of being human'. Playing the game of conversation inside 'society', is like haggling. You must enjoy it, to be good at it.

The best way to master 'tweeting into the mirror' is to start talking about stuff which is impossible to disagree with e.g weather observations. The fact that you go from one temperature controlled environment to another all day, is irrelevant. Another example, is commenting on the excellent choice of clothing, the person you are talking to, is wearing. To show how comfortable you are in society you can then, venture onto topics that evoke infintessimal differences in opinion. Examples include, discussing, Big Brother evictions or the big 'controversial' question asked at every dinner party over dessert: 'Do you think Michael Jackson is guilty?

I told my death coach what I reckoned. I said that "asking me whether I reckon Michael Jackson is guilty is a bit like asking me whether I reckon Lady Di ever sucked Charles' cock and then spat it out, blaming it on 'Bullimia'. I.e. The answer is, I don't know because I've never, met any of them, let alone been in their bedroom."

My death coach told me, that this response was a bit too 'wild'. He said the correct answer in society was a variant of "I'd like to think he's innocent, I mean he was such a talented musician and I grew up really admiring him but if he is guilty, well, I don't care who he is, I think child molesters are abhorent.'

The next step on the hierarchy of conversation is to demonstrate your observance of 'conventional wisdom'. Conventional wisdom are opinions that, while not necessarily well founded, are so widely held among the loaded and influential that only idiots, endanger their careers and place in society, by disagreeing with them. Conventional wisdom appeals to people's base fears while claiming, the moral high ground. The great thing about conventional wisdom is that when it is eventually found out to be bullshit, no one is ever held accountable.

The reasons for invading Iraq, is one example. The children overboard allegations is another example, the dotcom speculation that shops will disappear is another example, the wisdom in spending over half a million dollars, on a house, another example and the necessity to yell out, 'Taxi', everytime someone drops a glass in a pub, another. It goes on and on.

Indulge and re-enforce in these mindless theories as much as you can, at social gatherings, while stuffing your face. Stepping outside of this paradigm and putting thought into what you are actually saying, (especially if it involves empathy for people who don't dress like you do), will only make people in your social group, think that you're 'a little bit lost'. They won't say this to your face though. Conventional wisdom forbids it. They'll also check your pockets, as you leave and make it hard for you to get back into the cage, next time you want, some resources and impossible should you ever come to, need these resources.

The next level of conversation is enforcing, society rules. I.e demostrating your power within it's structure. Power can be obtained in two ways. The first is through sharing your love, empathy and vunerabilities to and with, another human being. Otherwise it can be gained through, hate, oppression and blanket advertising of the fact that you are, 'the world's greatest'. For personal interaction, love and empathy, with it's associated attention to detail, is all powerful. Much like the difference between your grandmother's hand knitted jumper and the one you bought from K-mart. On the global market however, hate and oppression is far more effective. The economies of scale gained through hate and oppression in order to demonstrate your power, is done by simply villifying whole groups of people, based on just, one feature.

Unlike love and empathy, hate and oppression is seen to be more credible, when mass produced for 'types' of people, as opposed to tailor made for an individuals. Kill one person and you're a murderer. Kill a thousand and you're a liberator. Love one person and your a sweetheart, love many and you're a slut.

Traditionally the main types of mass produced hate has been directed at 'types' based on race and religion. Nowdays people are more discriminated, on how much money they're got. This is one of the huge breakthroughs achieved by society's pursuit of 'multiculturalism'.In summary, the main way to demostrate and obtain 'power' when talking, in society, is to exude a 'love thy neighbour' attitude while being arrogant and suspicious of anyone beyond the end of your street. And conversely, when you want to take a 'walk on the wild side' of life - for example, go for a stroll down to the shops without a bodygurard, the best way to demonstrate your personal power, is to simply judge every person you meet, on their individual merits, irrespective of their 'type'.

Ultimate power is signified in meglamania. This is not for everyone but admired by many. This is where, you get agreement by talking about outrageous ideas and then killing everyone who disagrees with you. This is done by firstly, by running for office. Success in this, is done best, by championing, 'family values'. Once in power, immediately label a certain 'type' of people whom you want to generate more power from, as being devoid of these very 'family values'. The best targets are 'types' that are plentiful but weak and only seen on TV. Then pay troops to go in and cluster bomb them into submission. While this is going on, justify your actions by saying, it's your duty to protect the innocent people, who voted for you. This is risky though, especially if you don't have as much power as you thought you had. In which case, you could end up being jailed and killed yourself. If you want to be happy though, don't go for meglamania, because it can be very lonely at the top. Just ask Bill Clinton.

At all social gatherings, involving humans, the same group dynamics always happen. I.e it doesn't matter whether you're at a tupperware party, a bikie gang club meeting, a friends's 21st, 30th or 50th birthday, a state reception, an office Christmas party, a Klu Klux Klan meeting, a funeral, a neighbourhood watch meeting, a mosque in Mecca, a church in Jerusalem, a temple in Katmandu, a golf club's new member's night or an old stripper's reuinion. All people when they enter gatherings of 'their kind', do the same thing. That is, they go straight towards someone they know everything about and 'catch up' while looking over their shoulder and building up the confidence to approach someone better to talk to. As this happens, the couplings in the party, naturally start to merge into bigger groups, with one person talking and the rest listening. These groups will keep merging, right up until someone starts banging a fork on a glass or mumbling into a mic, 'does this work?'

At this point, people will pretend to listen. This is because speechs are never about things, that people are truly interested in. The closest they will go, is through subtle word play. For example the MC, at a Miss Universe competition will never say, 'By the way, nice tits, who's the lucky prick, sticking his cock up you? This is despite everyone else in the world, thinking the same thing. Instead he'll say, 'who is the lucky man, in your life?' The number one rule in group talk, particulary as the amount of people listening, increases, is to always err on the side of boring the whole crowd, instead of running the risk of offending one solitary person in the audience. Doing this, will only increase your chances of being sued or sacked by someone keen to practice their power, on you. In which case, it'll be back to the end of the queue, outside the 'society' club for you.

Thanks to 'terrorism', there is now a new phenomenon happening in the world today, where just about everyone on the planet gets to listen to one person do a speech. The speaker on these occasions will divide the world, into an apocalyptic war, between two tribes. When this happens, you'll find the speaker not referring to sex at all. Instead he will talk about, our other great primal instinct. That is the fear that humans from the 'other tribe', will hurt us and, take 'things' away from us e.g our daily routine. The speaker at these global proclamations will talk about 'how scary people are, from outside his tribe and how he can protect you from them if you join his tribe because his God, kicks arse over anybody else's God', type stuff. Phrases like, 'Axis of evil' and 'If you're not with us, you must be against us', will be used. The main importance of speechs however, is that they mark the halfway point of a party, where people suddenly swap from 'catching up' to 'mucking up'. I.e it's a great time, to sneak out the back for a cigarette, in order to find out, who really is 'rootin that chick'.

Ninth. Entertainment.

To enjoy your leisure time, you must spend money. Anything else will only lead to boredom, which will lead to self contemplatation which could then lead onto anti-social behaviour like taking heroin or even worse - talking to a stranger, while sober, without any desire to get anything off them, apart from a good conversation. This is not on. It may also lead you to discover that people who are different to you, aren't really. This will then lead to you questioning the amount of tax, your government spends on killing strangers. People in your social group will then change their spiel on you, from 'he's a little bit lost' to 'he's lost it'. After a few beers, some may even say it to your face.

The best entertainment is one which has a bright flashing screen with images flashing across it. E.g poker machines, tv's, movies, keno, the TAB, video juke boxes, mobile phones, computers, pinball machines, microwaves, advertising billboards, pocket organisers, video link-ups, dashboards, laptops and video games. These things to adults, are what a pacifier is to a baby. Watching screens with people on it, is also a smart way to find out about human nature without exposing yourself to the risks associated with human interaction.

The king of all screens, will always be TV, simply because you don't have to walk through a public space to get to it. TV is also a great way of keeping your partner out of the pub and re-enforcing conventional wisdom, such as, 'I reckon we should just fence those mad Arabs in, in and let them blow themselves up'.And if you don't like what's on TV, be assertive and confident. Tell the actors or presenters right to their face, that you think they're a 'talentless bore'. Then change the channel.

If you are involved in active entertainment, where there is a two way interaction between you and a live human performer, make sure it's a musical act that had a 'greatest hits' album released, twenty years ago. When the lead singer says, 'it's so good to be here', make sure you're so moved by their heartfelt connection with you, that you get out of your seat, for their last song. Afterwards, don't forget to tell people about your 'spontenaity'. They will then, be impressed with your 'passion'. It will also show people that you are still, 'young at heart'.

Always make sure that the TV show, movie or musical act you see, is known to as many other people on the planet as possible. The more famous they are, the more of a 'lifestyle', it'll prove you have. Seeing a cover band or tribute band is acceptable too. But only if you put the equivalent amount of money, you'd spend on seeing the 'real thing', over the bar. Afterwards you can then brag about how the cover band was so good, they could have been 'the real thing'. When you go to a karaoke night, the same amount of alcohol applies. Afterwards you must justify why you went, by saying, "you should have seen some of the singer's who got up. Oh my God, it was so tragic." It will make you feel like everyone else, because they'll know, 'exactly how you feel'.

If you walk past a pub, theatre or cinema which has no-one performing in it, whom you've heard of before, there is a reason. They are shithouse. Do not waste your money on the three buck, cover charge, put towards their petrol money. If you haven't heard about them on television, radio or in the newspaper, they will be of no use, talking about, around the water cooler the next day. In fact you'll look like a dickhead who secretly wants to leave his job and do the same thing. To stop all forms of ameteur/unknown entertainment flourishing and perhaps one day having their own tribute band, register your disgust, by going into the nearest pokie room and blowing $200. Bet the maximun and always double up. That way, you'll be able to have an 'early night'.

Tenth. Speeding.

Whenever you get in your car or motorbike, you must speed and exhibit rage towards anyone or anything that slows you down. Beeping your horn, says 'my time is worth more than yours, so hurry up and cross the road, before I turn you into a speed bump.' It doesn't sound like fun but you'll be surprised, what a little indignation does to your sense of self-importance.

To increase your ability to speed, you must cram as many chores into your day, as you can, while at no time, taking time out from the three hours of TV, you watch, each night. The extra $40k, you spend on your car, in order to save 1.2 seconds getting TO the speed limit, is well worth the extra time you spend each day, doing overtime, to earn it. Trust me, paying heaps for a car, is a real buzz. Akin to leaving rubber on the road, after pulling out from, a Bob Jane tyre centre. Getting a car with a good horn and disc brakes will also, shave vital 'tenths of a second' off your time, in between traffic lights. You may even get home faster, than the guy who walks. This will piss him right off and bolster your self esteem.

Eleventh. A passionless job.

Do a job you hate. The hallmark of a job you hate, is spending more time at work pretending that you're working than you do, actually getting the job done. It's also a job, where the effort pretending to other people, that you like the job, is more than the effort required, to do the job. When you leave school, there is a huge incentive to do this in order to pay bills, instead of pursuing what you wanted to do, 'when you grew up'.

While this may seem pointless, there is a potential upside. Some of the occupations, in the jobs that 'you just fell into', can lead to lots of money. E.g sales work for a product that just happens to have the backing of a one hour info-mercial before the religious show, at 3am. This extra commission, will then enable you to buy stuff in order to impress all the people in your life, whom you don't like you either. Getting off on this feeling, is a bit like taking up smoking. At first it seems, deplorable but once you get used to it, it becomes addictively pleasurable. When you have a job you hate, the term, 'well off' will also lose it's irony.

If you happen to have a job that you love, people will constantly tell you, 'I really admire you, for what you do.' They will also go onto say how they sponsor a child. But don't be fooled. This is just another way of saying 'You own nothing that I'm impressed with. How wretched your life must be'.

By the way, a mother in Africa gets her children to stop complaining by saying this: 'I know carting water everyday for ten kilometres is hard but if you would were born in a western country, this is what you'd have to do everyday, when you grow up: Get up at 7am, spend an hour crawling through, traffic and working ten hours a day. This work makes your skin go pasty and ruins your eyes and back. At the end of each day, you'll then have to spend another hour crawling through traffic before going to the gym and getting on another treadmill, that goes absolutely nowhere. At the end of the week, the only way you'll be able to escape this life is by drinking a brew, that makes you feel, nauseous. By the time, you recover, it'll be Monday, again... So stop complaining, we're only three kilometres from home'. The moral of this story is this: Anything you do for a job, can be justified. All you need, is a good spin doctor.

One note of warning: By doing a job you hate, continually, year after year, you may find yourself unable to handle the unpredictable or 'wild' side of life, outside of society's protective cage. e.g taking a holiday. This is just as bad as drinking on the job and can become a problem to people around you, who wonder whether you are even capable of living outside, society's formalities. If you are forced to take a holiday, the best way to handle it, is to make sure you stop at every town you drive through and go up to the real estate window - especially if it's got bright, flashing lights and a screen. This will make the time, you spend away from your desk much more bearable, plus allow, your family to have a piss and buy chocolate.

Twelfth. Material goods.

Buying stuff, is a reward, for doing a job you hate. Necessity is not the mother of all inventions. Planned obselence is. New stuff breaks down twice as fast, which gives you more opportunities to buy. This time, you take, going to the Supercentre, while checking out your neighbour's gear, on the way, is called 'Leisure time'. If the stuff you buy, isn't breaking quick enough, rennovate and extend. If your council doesn't take bribes, buy another house. Do not at any point, stop and be totally satisfied with what you've got. Happiness, is like a 'nest egg'. I.e. It's something you save up for, when you're 'not so busy'.

Anyway, I did my twelve lessons and learnt a lot from my death coach. My life is slowly turning around, a bit. I don't know how long, it will last though. It's always like that in course, hey! You come out so hyped and ready to do everything they say and then 'presto', you're back to your old habits of pulling your cock out in public and giving a 'fuck you' attitude to anyone, reminding you, that you're in a church.... Okay, okay, that one, might be just me...